I’m someone that is at more times then I’d like to admit driven by my anxieties and fears. It’s something I’ve been working on and still am as I write this, the cortisol rush is like my daily drug of choice and sadly one that I have found great comfort in. You see after reading the post above and reflecting on this in the past few days, I came to a revelation in the way I live and the behaviours I adopt.
It turns out that I’m an addict, I’m a full blown junkie and my drug of choice is anxiety. I’ve realised that I now find comfort in my fears, they are uninvited guests yet I’ve now found complete comfort in their company and a lot of the time I’m actually craving it. But why is this you might say, well it’s because I’ve allowed that fear, that cortisol rush to become my normality, it’s been my day to day for so long that I’ve come to know nothing else.
The consistent occupation of chasing the next worry to focus on is now a standard protocol in my operating system and I come to a loss when the worries seem to vanish, which then leads me to a state of worrying about what my next worry could be. It’s all a vicious cycle really and one that I along with many others I’m sure, have allowed themselves to fall prey to.
Yet this was not my greatest worry or fear, not at all. The one thing that scared me most of all was feeling normal, of course normality is different for us all, but what terrified me more than anything was a simple train journey home with no worries at all. This was a train journey not filled with the usual doubts, fears of what if’s and usual negative self talk. It was a journey of peace, of calm and with nothing to worry about, yet this, this feeling of what I would consider ‘normal’ was something that created great anxiety.
Why did it cause such great anxiety? a simple reason really, I had forgotten what it felt like to be free from my chains. A constant state of a cortisol rush and a mindset of worrying about worrying has been my life for so long that the thing we all crave for, that feeling of normality was now the uninvited guest and the demons that plague my mind had become my comfort blanket.
I don’t look at this revelation as a sad thing, I look at it as a reality check to what can become of life if we get so lost in our heads like I obviously have. I do reflect on our society often, I think about how everything is so fast paced and can be a pressure cooker environment that maybe the cortisol rush and the next worry has become the norm for too many of us.
So I wonder is it normality that we really fear?